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A tribute to Nice Guys
This is a tribute
to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become
more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about
what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is
dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but
restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open
doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside
the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys
that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their
female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most
girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with
open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is
in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her
privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the
guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from
parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the
guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the
creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for
compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play
by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys
who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up
being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked,
underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are
manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that
time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you
called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two
sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you
thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that
it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that
time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated
in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the
guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even
though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the
guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a
counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time
she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was
nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party
where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted
shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by
announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even
though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego,
you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t
often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing,
the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I
wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I
have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to
friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I
can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative
bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but
when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing
things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good
boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much
from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating
of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to
lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their
too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the
men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my
ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down
between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m
going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can
do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last
forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train
of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not
taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and
even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those
girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know
who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as
ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs
your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors,
your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a
pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate,
for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my
accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You
do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved
vindication is coming.
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